People who are close to me often describe me as a prayerful woman. I love praying for friends and loved ones, because I feel blessed whenever I see God answering their prayers and giving them their needs and wants. In my lifetime, I have witnessed numerous miracles that happened. I have seen how praying families have been blessed with may spiritual blessings I cannot even begin to enumerate.
What people do not see, is that behind a prayerful Jen, is actually a pouting Jen. Yes, I am often happy and laughing when I am around others. But in my solitude, I find myself pouting, asking God for blessings as if they are rightfully mine. It is so easy for me to look at the things I lack, rather than be grateful for the things I have. I seldom complain out loud, but if I search my heart, there are instances I grumble, even when there is so much to be thankful for. I used to struggle a lot with envy. Why did God give her that, when I don’t have it? Why do I need to experience this, when she does not need to deal with it? Yes, my heart has been this ugly. Until one day, I was reminded that “…envy rots the bones.” (Proverbs 14:30) And true enough, in the past, no amount of success or blessings make me fully content, because there is always a yearning for more, or at least just as much as what my neighbor has.
During the past months, my emotions have been on its craziest rollercoaster ride yet. I have been through breakdowns and breakthroughs. One day, I am down and blue, the next day I am giddy with joy. It was then that I came across a devotional series on Johan, and I realized that much like the pouting prophet, my heart is so fickle. One day I write with joy and thanksgiving, the next day I am so angry I write with BIG, BOLD LETTERS. One day I cannot thank God enough for how great He is in my life, the next day I am mad at Him for not blessing me or answering my prayers. One day I tell God I am grateful because my life is a gift, the next day I feel so bad because I feel entitled to what I want from Him. The Bible does not lie when it said that “the heart is deceitful above all things.” (Jeremiah 17:9)
One thing I realized through my journaling journey, and through the study of Jonah is, God’s patience and love. I am grateful that God’s grace and faithfulness does not depend on our actions, else He would have probably sent a big fish to swallow me. Many times, we are so hard on Jonah – he ran from God’s assignment after all. And a lot of times, we are hard on ourselves – we disobey, and go the other way. These weaknesses, his and ours, are not beyond the power of God’s grace. Sometimes I wonder why these struggling prophets and Bible characters need to be included in His Word. But often times, I marvel at how God’s grace is so unfathomable, that every time we stumble, He is there holding our hand. And if I may borrow Pastor Francis Ang’s words, “God will not give up on you, just as He never gave up on Jonah.” Praise be to our God, who can turn our pouting into prayers.
*This blog entry is written as a reflection to the devotional series written by Pastor Francis Ang for United Evangelical Church of Greenhills (UECG). Used with permission.
When a Teacher Writes 